And I won't let you choke
by jumbawamba
Summary: The front door is closed, she has taken his hand and has led him to his room. Post-Always.


**Title**: And I won't let you choke

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer**: Switzerland's got cheese, chocolate and money. I'm Swiss and I've got cheese and chocolate, but no money.

**Summary**: The front door is closed, she has taken his hand and has led him to his room. _Post-Always._

Guys, keep in mind that I'm Swiss. Usually I speak a language nobody understands. Sometimes it's even hard to communicate with other Swiss people because having so many different slangs in such a small country can be quite confusing. I did my best, so bear with me.

I may add a few scenes to this story if I get round to writing. However, it could be a while between chapter because I've got exams coming up.

Thanks to Alex for having a look at the story beforehand.

Have fun reading.

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**And I won't let you choke**

As her breath returns to normal, Kate tries to untangle herself from the bed. The sheets are wrapped around her bare feet and she almost falls on her nose as she hits the ground. A comical snort escapes from her mouth before she turns around and walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Rick stretches out onto his back and listens to the sounds coming through the door. He hears the flush of the toilet overlapping with the water running down the drain. A few seconds later there are no sounds echoing in his bedroom apart from the steady beats of the rain falling against the window. Minutes of silence pass by and Castle puffs out a deep breath after closing his eyes.

The bathroom door creeps open seconds before a ray of light hits Castle's closed eyes. He throws his right arm up and rests it against his forehead o protect him from the bright light. His ears follow the soft tapping of Kate's feet on the floor as she makes her way across the room and crawls back into bed on her side. The weight of her body hitting the mattress make Rick turn onto his left side facing her as she spreads out onto her stomach, bringing the blanket up, barely covering her butt. Their eyes meet in the dark, but no words are spoken.

A soft smile makes its way across her lips. Her tousled hair fans out in wild curls around her head. The urge to drag his fingers through it overcomes Castle, but his hand falters midair and he lets it fall down to the mattress midway between them, fingers curled into a fist. Kate can read the hesitance in Castle's eyes, so she brings her left hand up to cover the back of his right hand, still clenched in a fist. The soft tips of her fingers shimmer across his knuckles until his hand relaxes and Kate is able to interlock their fingers. Her smile grows into this beautiful grin she only shows on occasion. The white of her teeth shimmer in the yellow glow of the streetlights shining through the thick curtains on the windows. Her thumb keeps up the soft motion of stroking the length of his thumb.

Their eyes do all the talking while their lips are slightly apart, drawing slow breath in and out. There are lots of 'I can't believe we're finally here's and 'I love you's thrown at each other, always hoping the other one catches its meaning.

Suddenly Kate's thumb stops its motion, her eyebrow furrow and she jumps back onto her knees.

"Shit, shit, shit." she exclaims while she's running a hand through her hair, exposing her bare front to him. "Shit, what have I done?"

As soon as Rick hears those words leaving her lips, he sits up leaning against the headboard. His arms come up to cross in front of his chest. His eyes show the will to fight.

"Fuck!" Kate says while opening her eyes again. When she meets his gaze, seeing the anger bubbling up, her eyes go wide with shock and even more profanities leave her mouth.

"No! No, no, not… I didn't… No, I didn't mean this. No, please Castle! Rick… No, not this. Sh…!"

A loud puff of air leaves her lungs. She scoots across the bed till her knees touch his bare thigh. Her arms come out in front of her and she wraps her fingers across his forearm. A light tug to them makes him uncross his arms and Kate takes his hands into her smaller ones.

"Messing up already, aren't we Kate?" she mutters frustrated and there is a smile flirting with the corners of Castle's lips.

Some of the anger leaves his eyes as they roam over her naked body. In the dim light he is barely able to make out the bruises covering her stomach and rips. He reaches out and drags his fingertips across a particularly large discoloration at the distal end of her sternum. The anger completely leaves him when he hears the sharp intake of air. There's only an expression of concern left on his features.

"No, Castle." Kate half moans before she slaps his hand away. Regretting her movement instantly as she sees anger settling over his face again, she takes his retreating hand in both of hers and brings his knuckles up against her lips. She places a soft kiss there, before she brings his flat hand down to cover the pale bullet scare between her breasts. The raised beating of her heart calms Castle down.

"Can you pass me that shirt of yours, please? I can't talk to you when I'm still naked. I'm only messing up with you staring at me like that." She is hinting at the look of love in his eyes he can't cover up, even though anger and confusion is pouring from his every pore.

He doesn't move a muscle though. He just keeps on staring at her.

"Please Rick. I've got some explaining to do."

A frustrated puff escapes her lips as she attempts to reach over him to grab the dress-shirt he'd worn only a few hours ago. But, Rick pulls out a black t-shirt from underneath his pillow and throws it at her chest.

"Thanks." she mumbles before she puts it on.

"Just so you know," Kate starts while her head is still buried in the material of his shirt. "you're frustrating and creepy at the same time when you don't say anything at all."

As her head appears again, her upper body covered in his shirt, she looks down her front and lets out a soft laugh. There is now the shape of Batman covering her chest.

She recovers quickly, tames her features and scoots a little closer to Castle's side. She takes it as a good omen that he doesn't pull away when she grabs his left hand in both of hers. As her eyes meet his in the dark, they only tell her 'explain'. Her thumbs pick back up the soft motion from before – before her outburst of insanity. She hopes it soothes him just as much as it soothes her nerves.

"I don't…," she begins. "I don't know where to start."

Kate tries to read his expression, but there is nothing there. His face shows no emotions. It looks like he put on a mask. He only keeps on staring at her.

"My little episode of insanity back there," she throws her head back to underline her point. "had nothing to with you or what we did before. Well, it kind of has something to do with you, but not really. I… I'm not doing a good job explaining myself, am I?"

She lifts her eyes, which have been focusing on their joined hand, to meet his gaze. Castle slightly nods his head, indicating to keep going.

"I… hum… I quit. I quit the force. Esposito and I got suspended for being stupid. So, so stupid. But, I kind of… I realized I couldn't go on like that. I can't keep focusing on death when I'm hurting everybody around me. So, I quit. And I know, I did the right thing because I didn't… I don't want to be a cop anymore - at the moment. But, who am I if I'm not a cop?"

Tears start streaming down her face, but she doesn't try to hide them from him.

"I don't know who I am without the force. I've been doing it for so long that I kind of forgot who I was before it. This realization just hit me really hard. I'm lost! The only thing I'm sure about right now is you. But, if I don't know who I am… I don't what I am and… Rick, how can you love something that doesn't exist?"

As Kate keeps on talking, her eyes fall back down and focus on their hands. Her nails dig into his skin, leave little half-moons there as her voice starts to shake and she starts to have a hard time catching her breath.

"I'm scared. I… Even though I'm sure about us, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to mess it up. Look at my brilliant start to this relationship. I feel like… If I don't have anything else going on, I'll be hiding from real life in this relationship like I used to hide from this in my mother's murder case. And then… You'll be getting sick of me and you'll start to hate me in no time. I just don't want you to start hating me!"

Rick sees how Kate is trying to grasp for air. Her lungs feel like they are on fire, but she can't get fresh air into them. Fear start to well up behind her tears as she can't get her breathing under control. Castle reacts instantly. He lets go of her hands, crashes her whole body into him. His arms circle around her shoulder and he mutters words of love into her ear.

"I just don't want you to hate me. Don't hate me. Please, don't start hating me."

Her voice is a low whisper against the skin of his neck. Castle feels her lips move along his skin even when he isn't able to make out her words anymore.

"Kate," he murmurs in her hair "even though I don't agree with you on every point, I'm able to see were you're coming from… kind of."

He slightly pushes her away so he can look into her eyes. His hands come up and frame the sides of her face.

"I'll be here along your way of finding yourself. I won't go anywhere. After all, I tried to put some distance between us… but, I'm still here. You can't get rid of me that easily."

A small smile is tugging at the corners of her lips and a relieving glint rises in her eyes.

"But you can't judge me if I'll get clingy at some point and I'll want to spend time with you. Because I love you. And… I'll show you exactly how you can love something that apparently doesn't exist!" he says while he pulls the Batman t-shirt over her head and pushes her slowly down onto her back using only his lips and his hands on her face.

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_Thoughts?_


End file.
